on motherhood…
never so exhausted, so “stretched”(yes I mean that in several different ways), so forced selfless, so full of love!
Motherhood-wow. This is really one of those things you just can’t possibly “get” until you become a Mom yourself. And yes, of course you hear this your whole life, but it really becomes so true after you’ve been a Mom for little awhile and look back on your life. This isn’t a badge of honour statement but just pure truth.
First of all, I am glad I had the privilege to live a little, finish my degrees, figure myself out a bit and get married to an awesome man before I had my girls. I think not only did I grow as a human into a person who had a starting point from which I’d like to raise my children, but I am less likely to resent them from holding me back from becoming some of the things I wanted to be, do or see.
Having said that I can’t help but wonder lately if I’d had my daughters when I was younger if I wouldn’t be a much better person approaching 30 then I am now.
I have yet to figure out how to “plan”a pregnancy. Both of my girls, although my biggest God given gifts, were not planned, and I could argue, although I won’t, not in MY plans at all. I became pregnant for Zoë just as my teaching career was beginning to come together and aspirations for that perfect little home, world travelling adventures and major student loan payments were beginning to take root in my brain and become legitimate possibilities. I was in major shock and thought a lot about HOW or even IF I COULD be a good Mom. I remember staring at my stomach moving and thinking “alien!!”
Even when I became pregnant for Eliya, my second child, I didn’t feel like I was ready to be pregnant again or have another child. I was just thinking I might be beginning to get my feet under me with a toddler and the new experiences she brought to my daily life. Although some women seem to embrace pregnancy I think I think too much and I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around it and that seems to drive me crazy!
One of my dear friends did ask me when I was freshly pregnant with Eliya and hadn’t told a soul yet other than Chad, “why have children? why bring them into this corrupted and hurtful world? Is it purely selfish, for the joy they bring to your life, for carrying on your legacy?” I thought about it a lot and resolved that children are God’s hope for the world, they are HIS plan to better the world, they are his precious gift to the world, to the family. I truly believe that my girls will change the world. I felt that this baby I was carrying, that no one even knew of yet, would have this hope within him/herself and would evoke this hope in others…there began the struggle to find a name we liked that meant hope!
Even still the night before I went in to have Eliya I was on the phone with my Mom bawling, like a baby myself, certain I couldn’t possibly have any more love in my heart for another baby. I loved Zoë so all inclusively! But I was soon to find out there IS more, there is more love for this one, more, different, amazing love.
As many mothers will tell you, the evening came for each of them when I was rocking them, watching them sleep, overwhelmed with the love welling up inside of me, astounded at the emotion that comes from staring your little one in the face. There aren’t words to describe this feeling, although the writer in me has certainly tried of course. The best way I can describe it is that through no act of my own it now feels like my girls hold my heart in their hands. Unintentionally, but willingly my heart beats for them.
My heart hurts like it has never hurt before for them, it fills with immeasurable joy like it has never been filled before, for them. If I had only known, as a young adult, this wordless truth, I would have never questioned my mothers’ love for me, I could never have walked away when things were difficult. But alas, we can’t live our lives backwards can we? I remember telling my Mom after I’d had Zoë, “If I’d only known Mom, I never would have questioned.”
I have been forced into self denial time and time again whether because of sickness, or feedings, falls or even needed hugs and cuddles. I have had to put my own ambitions aside and just sit on the floor and colour. I have felt useless and unproductive as my child rips through the one thing I managed to accomplish that day-folded laundry. I have felt so isolated, day in day out attempting to be housemaid, super mommy and sexy wife. There have been so many times when I have desperately needed a few quiet moments, a bubble bath or a the intangible nap and felt the frustration mounting inside of me as there just wasn’t time for me, it has seemed there was no “me”.
But I am learning that what makes me a fabulous Mom, isn’t my clean floors (get over it folks they’re just going to pee on them as soon as you finish scrubbing), or the folded laundry (it will be dirty again by tomorrow), or even baking the most fantastic birthday cake by scratch, it is that they have my heart. That THIS love is theirs, and no one else can give them this.
I have learned, even just two years into being a Mom, about the absolute necessity of touch, for children, for adults and myself. That dancing like a lunatic in the livingroom with your two year old, was in God’s ultimate plan. That your child’s first smiles will make you believe you can do anything. That the satisfaction of successfully breastfeeding your child and knowing they are getting the best nourishment possible is worth any seeming torture you may have to get through to get there. That your child’s first giggles come straight from heaven. That you would walk through fire for them, not by choice but instinct. That rocking a peacefully sleeping baby restores the weary. That little hands caressing your cheek, holding your hand, reaching up for you, ligitimizes your very existence.
I FEEL deeper, love more fully, share joy more willingly, laugh more heartily, am more sensitive and compassionate to others needs. I really VALUE LIFE… and I can’t help but wonder if I’d had my babies when I was younger, wouldn’t I be a much better person now?
