I Am

“You are not enough.”

The highway stretched long before us as dusk drew nearer.  She didn’t know what she’d said, actually, she didn’t know what I’d heard, and she kept talking. I was talking back but my mind and heart were somewhere else.

The “not enough’s” were back.  They’d been threatening for weeks again but there they were loud and clear sitting in the passenger seat along with me, settling in for the remainder of the trip home.

The next morning dawned bright and beautiful, a welcome break from the doldrums of the winter that never seemed to end. I stepped into the shower for a fresh start to the day but yesterday’s words taunted me still.

“She thinks you overshare.  He thinks you under-share.”
“She doesn’t really like you. You’ve ruined this relationship too.”
“You’re so busy, is your work more important than your family?”
“You fought with him last week. What would you do if he left you?”

I sunk to the porcelain floor of the shower, hot tears and steaming water coursing down my cheeks. “Who AM I?” Why haven’t I figured this out yet? Why am I going around this again?”

Shame burned hot on my cheeks; water and tears filled my upturned hands with little pools of understanding. And God whispered to my heart, ever so gently, again.

“You are mine.  And every good thing in your hands, I placed there. You do overshare and undershare. She does like you and you can be irritating.  You continue to learn, as does everyone, about relationships. You love your family; you cherish them, imperfectly. Your work is my work. You did fight last week, that doesn’t mean he will leave you, but if he did, if every good thing in your hands slipped away, who are you then?

You are mine.
You are loved.
You are.
Trust me.

Because I am.

I am your sustenance. I am your hope in hard times. I am your protection. I am your truth. I am your life. I am your way. I am your freedom. I am your provider.

Trust me, because I am.”

There is a freedom that comes when the focus moves from what I need to do or who I need to be to who He is and who that makes me. This knowing works its way into my heart and I realize I am not easily defined, explained or labeled. I simply am and when that is ok that changes everything.