Not This Me: What To Do When Your Body & Your Dreams Are At War

Tears roll down her flushed cheeks as she falls into propped pillows on her bed. She gasps in pain and embarrassment. Just moments before she was leading a lunch meeting.

“It’ll be ok.” She texts her parents as she fights to breathe, her throat closing over, in the back of the ambulance pulling away from camp. Just moments before she was teaching a slew of young people.

“Set an alarm for 10 minutes.” She tells Siri before closing her eyes in her car in the back of the parking lot at work. Just moments before she was making a high-end sale.

What do you do when your body is at war with your dreams?
What do you do when your identity is wrapped up in what you do
just as much as who you are?
What do you do when what you do get’s knocked out from under you
and you’re left only with who you are?

“Not this me.” She cries doubled over in pain.
“Not this me.” She struggles for air.
“Not this me.” She mumbles as she gives in to the exhaustion.

When my sense of self is forced to bow to my physical self, and I’m left “face-to-floor” on my knees, I will choose to believe. Even when my emotional self isn’t prepared, and they rise to rule within me, I will choose to believe that God’s plan and timing are bigger than my own. My weaknesses can be used for His bigger purposes. I will be reminded that it isn’t about me and my abilities or plans; it can’t be about me when I’m this weak.

Unlike Paul, I may plead many more times than three for God to take this away. But like him, even in my pleading, I hear HIM when I allow myself to go quiet again: “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds it’s full expression through your weakness.”

Why, oh, God? Why this way? Why now? I want to serve you, give you every last bit of my energy, passion, and life. I hate my weaknesses…I have dreams, I have plans… I can’t see my way through this.

Please, not this me.
But it’s not me.
My trust isn’t in me.
There YOU are again.

Unable to stand from the pain, the lack of air, the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the fear, it’s here I sense your presence most. I’m not alone. Your plans and purposes are higher.

She’ll run a meeting again.
She’ll teach a crowd again.
She’ll rise and make another great sale.

But today she’ll place her trust somewhere other than herself. “Not me.” leaves her nothing but a portal to God’s power, and isn’t that her purpose anyway?

“So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.” 2 Corinthians 12 The Passion Translation